Full of Hope
By Genevieve (59)
Before I invited Jesus into my life, I was held hostage by the deeply entrenched belief that I was unworthy. I grew up believing I wasn't good enough. Nothing I did seemed to please my parents. I remember racing home from school one day, so excited because I had got 99% in a test. When I told my parents, they said in unison, ‘What did you get wrong?’ I felt myself deflating like a balloon. I thought if my own parents can’t love me, what hope is there for me?
Over the following years I became full of anger and hatred. I was endlessly thrown about in tsunamis of despair, lurching from crisis to crisis, seemingly damaged beyond repair. I would talk about being in black holes with no way of getting out and there not even being a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. I lived in desolate darkness. Peace, for me, was completely unattainable and just ‘pie in the sky’ stuff. I had absolutely no hope for my future. I was perishing.
When I woke in the mornings, having tossed and turned restlessly all night, the realisation that I was still alive would hit me like a tonne of bricks. I would turn over on my tummy and cry aloud in despair, ‘Oh no! Not another day!’ I’d then pull the pillow over my head and hold it tight over my ears to try and block out any sight or sound that might indicate I was still alive. Eventually, I would resign myself to the fact that I had to get up.
The only way I could look at facing another day was to first pick up my ‘hope bag’. I carried my bag of hope everywhere; it was in my pocket during the day and by my bed at night. It used to be a velvet bag; now it’s threadbare. Contained within are all the different emblems of hope that people have given me over the years. I used to keep it clipped inside my pockets because I was terrified of losing it. I believed my life depended on it, and in a way I guess it did. I was borrowing other people’s hope for me, to keep me alive.
I had made the decision to end my life in 2010. It was a Sunday, and for some reason I decided to go to church that morning. During the service, there was a song about the plan God has for each of our lives. I didn't like the plan for my life, so I was soon out of my pew, fleeing from the church in tears.
I ran out into the foyer, straight into the pastor’s arms. She was just coming back from turning the hot water zip on in the hall. I pleaded with her to let me go. She said she would if I gave her my address. Finally, to get free from this woman's grip, I blurted it out. As I was running away I heard her call out, ‘I'll come and see you at 10 am tomorrow.’
I thought I suppose I can stay alive for one more day, but only one.
Every day that week, and the next, this woman came to see me. Her unconditional love kept me alive, one day at a time. And her love kept me coming to church until I ultimately discovered for myself that this was what God's love was all about. In time I came to believe, all the way through to my core, that I am accepted and loved by God. I am good enough in God's eyes.
Since then, my faith journey has been a gradual opening up to Jesus, punctuated by a few significant moments. One such time was about five years ago when I got into bed one night and saw my bag of hope still sitting on my bedside table. I had unwittingly survived a day without it in my pocket. I could finally feel it inside.
Another key moment was when I got out of bed one morning and felt four inches taller. I realised that after a lifetime with my eyes to the ground, I was holding my head up and making eye contact with the world around me. It made me feel four inches taller! I was in an amazing new world, and I was experiencing feelings I’d never had before—feelings of peace and contentment. I never thought I could find peace from the torment inside me, but when my experiences shifted from ‘God in my head’ to ‘Jesus in my heart,’ an inconceivable calm came to me.
To God, no-one is ever damaged beyond repair. God will make a way where there seems to be no way. I can now say with conviction that faith is not simply believing that God can (a head thing), it’s knowing He will (a heart thing).
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
Without hope in Jesus, I was sick and perishing. I have been transformed by God. Now, I am a tree of life, thriving in the light and full of hope.
PROMPT: Read Jeremiah 29:11-13. Ask the Father to fill your heart with hope. Ask Him to give you a dream and a vision for your future. Over the next few days and weeks, write down what you sense Him revealing to you.
PRAYER: Father, You are the lifter of my head. You are the One who holds my future in Your hands, and it is good! It is a future filled with hope, and it is a future where You promise to walk with me. When I feel hopeless, remind me to look up. Today I choose to lift my eyes and look up into Your face. I choose to put my hand in Yours. Thank you for lighting up my life with Your love.
