Navigating Conflict
By Alisha Renee
It was Easter Camp, 2003. My husband, Andrew, was running a café to help fundraise for youth heading on overseas mission trips, and my mum and dad had come over from Australia to help. It was such a buzz! Raising $10 000 over Easter weekend to support young people wanting to serve God in this way was a real privilege to be a part of. But for me, the buzz was short-lived. At the end of camp, I found myself in the wake of a conflict with my mum that seemed irreparable.
I can’t remember what we were arguing over, but I remember it ended with me accused of being an ungrateful daughter and with Mum announcing that there was no point visiting me again. In what had become her usual way of dealing with conflict, she stormed off and refused to speak. I tried to approach her a couple of times, but with little response to my efforts. As we packed up the café for another year, Mum sat silently in the car. I should have been joining in the celebration of success, but my heart was wounded by the deep impact of disconnection. Her absence was tangibly felt in my soul as I wrestled with feelings of not measuring up, again, to her expectations.
I have often been the first to extend an olive branch in conflict. I value connection too much to let rifts remain. I will bravely move towards those I’ve felt hurt by because I believe that conflict resolved can bring closer connection. And so, in an effort to repair our relationship, I invited Mum and Dad for dinner.
Before they arrived, I wrote Mum a card. I noted the things I appreciated about her, and I apologised for my part in our argument. I was about to justify what I had said, desperately wanting Mum to understand where I was coming from, but I felt the Holy Spirit stop me. It was a sudden momentary pause in the flow of words, and with it came a whisper, ‘Don’t justify. Just appreciate her and ask for forgiveness.’
I resisted. I wanted my side to be heard! As hard as it was to let go of the need to be right, I trusted the prompting of the Spirit and refrained. And I’m so glad I did.
When Mum and Dad arrived, she still didn’t speak to me. I mentioned that I had a card for her on the table. She told me that she hadn’t brought her glasses and walked right past. Inside, I was throwing my hands up in frustration. What else could I do? As I continued dinner preparations, I noticed her collect the card and quietly move to another room. I was not expecting what happened next.
Mum emerged from the room, holding the card, with tears in her eyes. I’d never seen my mum cry. There was a softness about her, and she spoke words I will never forget.
‘Alisha, you don’t know what it’s like to be a mum. You do the best you can. I know I’ve made mistakes with you girls, but I can’t go back and fix them.’
I was 23, and for the first time in my life, I saw my mum as a person, just like me; a person with real feelings, real regrets, real struggles, real hurts. She wasn’t immune to painful words, like I somehow thought she was. She was hurting too. We embraced and cried together. It was one of those defining moments, and our relationship was never the same. Yes, we still had rocky moments, but something had shifted in my heart. I now looked at my mum through the eyes of compassion. She truly loved me, my brother, and my sister, in the best way she knew how.
Mum passed away in 2014; I was only 34. We were all with her. She spent the last few weeks of her life making sure we all knew how much she loved us. I miss my mum, and I am forever grateful that I listened to the Holy Spirit that day when He prompted me to let go of the need to justify myself so I could instead walk the path of love, humility and forgiveness—a path that led to the deeper connection I was longing for with my mum.
PROMPT: Psalm 32:8 (NIV) says, ‘ I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.’ Is there a relationship in your life where you need your heavenly Father to counsel you and show you the way to go? Ask Him to teach you what to do. Journal what you sense Him saying to you. And then, have the courage to obey.
PRAYER: Father, sometimes I get so caught up needing to be right that I can miss the whispers of the Holy Spirit gently telling me what Love would do. Teach me how to love others deeply and unselfishly, especially those in my family.
